Guest blog by Paulette Schembri
Many of us are or will be parents or caregivers at some point in our lives. Caregiving can consist of supporting our aging parents to taking care of a neurodivergent child, or maybe a combination of both. You or someone you know may fall into the “sandwich generation,” where you are taking care of your own kids and your parents at the same time.
I have personally experienced the realities of being in the sandwich generation, as a single mom to an ASD-1 high functioning Asperger’s son and supporting my mom during the end of her life. Based on my experience, I created coping strategies for the diversity of caregivers to make sure no one feel alone on this journey.
While we may think of caregiving responsibilities as part of life, taking on these roles can turn our routine ups and downs into a pressure cooker.
The United States Surgeon General recently issued a warning that stress for parents and caregivers is hitting dangerous levels. Dr. Vivek Murthy stated, “It’s essential for parents and caregivers to invest in themselves to help combat the loneliness epidemic.”
As a caregiver you may need to help with your family member’s medical, personal, and emotional needs. Helping them bathe, take medicine, get dressed, and eat on a daily basis can take a toll on both your physical and mental health. Trying to keep up with the medical appointments, taking them to appointments and the pharmacy, and keeping up with their financial needs can be exhausting. It is crucial that self-care becomes a priority when you are a caregiver.
The National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP Public Policy Institute found that 40% of caregivers feel emotionally drained and stressed, with 20% saying financial problems cause the most stress. The survey also revealed that 20% of caregivers feel physically strained from juggling all the demands of caregiving as well as their personal needs.
Caregivers can easily start to feel stuck in a role that they either didn’t expect to take on or feel helpless to make changes to their situation that could reduce or prevent burnout and depression. One thing that is worth noting is that even though you may not be able to get more extra time, money, or physical assistance, you can create more happiness and hope with your situation.
Signs and symptoms of caregiver stress can look like the following:
- Anxiety or depression
- Irritability
- Feeling run down or exhausted
- Difficulty sleeping
- Overreacting to minor nuisances
- New or worsening health issues
- Trouble concentrating or focusing
- Resentment
- Alcohol/tobacco usage or overeating
- Neglecting responsibilities or your own needs
- Cutting back on leisure activities you use to enjoy
- Feeling as though your life revolves around caregiving, but you do not receive any satisfaction from it
- You have trouble relaxing, even when help is available and offered
How can you avoid caregiver burnout?
Burnout is the state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. The first thing you need to do is understand your stress, when you feel stressed, and what coping strategies you have in place when that stress happens. When you can manage your stress, you will be able to lessen the chance that burnout will happen.
If any of the above signs and symptoms of stress resonate with you it is important to create some coping strategies.
Eleven ways to empower yourself:
- Practice acceptance. Taking the time to accept the situation that your loved one is in will lessen the emotional trap of searching for someone or something to blame which can drain your energy very quickly. Accept and appreciate what is happening right now.
- Embrace your caregiving with compassion and love. Focus on the positives. One person stated that they thought of their caregiving as giving back to their parents the care they gave them when they were growing up. Create a deep and meaningful motivation to help support you through this difficult time.
- Look for the silver lining. How has caregiving made you stronger? How has it taught you some important life lessons? How has it brought you closer to the person you are taking care of as well as other family members?
- Invest in your purpose. Take time to do the things you enjoy whether it is family, worship, a hobby or club, time with friends, or your career. Just like you wouldn’t blow off a doctor’s appointment, don’t blow off your down time.
- Focus on the things you can control instead of stressing over those things that are out of your control. How can you react and problem solve in your own way to help you move through situations with more ease and grace?
- Celebrate all the wins, big and small. You are not there to cure your loved one’s illness, but you can still make a difference in their life. By making them more comfortable, letting them be heard and listening to them you can make them feel loved, safe and comfortable. If they were not sick, do you think they would be grateful for you?
- Make a list of how you are supporting them and making a difference. Sometimes we forget all we do, but if you keep a list and can read it now and then it will remind you of your purpose and boost your morale.
- Check in with another family friend, doctor, or therapist on a regular basis who will acknowledge your efforts. Studies show that caregivers who feel appreciated experience better physical, mental, and emotional health.
- Give yourself permission to take a break. A quick cat nap, sipping tea while watching the clouds, reading a chapter in a book, or sitting outside in the sun for 10-20 minutes can give your happy hormones a boost.
- Connect with friends on a regular basis, even if it is just for an hour. If you have to run to the grocery store, see if a friend can join you to catch up a bit. Find a hobby that you can do regularly with a friend or with others for connection.
- Ask for help from friends, family, respite care facilities, or volunteers. Share the responsibilities with others so you are not taking on the burden of everything. Say “yes” when someone offers help and don’t be afraid to tell someone how you are truly feeling.
Remember, you are not selfish when you take time for yourself. As the saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup. For you to offer 100% of yourself to your loved one, you need to fill your own cup on a regular basis. Sneak it in any way you can so you can continue to be kind, compassionate and offer sound support.
Resources available in the Personify Health platform
Personify Health offers an array of tools to use for emotional help as well as journeys in topics like self-care, managing stress, and improving sleep, to lead employees through tips and techniques they can use while in their caregiver role. We recently launched a series with our new content partner, CaringBridge. “Real Stories from Dementia Caregivers” is a 10-part Journey that provides tips, stories, and suggestions from family caregivers who’ve been in your shoes. Personify Health members can watch for more content from CaringBridge on topics including family caregiving for a spouse or partner as well as other important topics to family caregivers.
The Personify Health personalized health platform features many other resources to provide caregiver members with needed support, including our EAP and network of coaches, with diverse expertise in all areas of mental health. Personify’Health’s partner ecosystem also includes integrated caregiver support solutions Cariloop, Cleo, and Wellthy, as well as those that provide mental health and resilience guidance, such as Headspace, Lifespeak, meQ, and RethinkCare.
Free resources available for caregivers
American Medical Association Caregiver Self-Assessment:
http://web.mit.edu/workplacecenter/hndbk/docs/questionnaire.pdf
CaringBridge – Emotional and Tangible Support for Caregivers: https://personifyhealth.caringbridge.org/
Family Caregiver Alliance:
1-415-434-3388
Healthline: www.healthline.org
HelpGuide: www.helpguide.org
National Alliance for Caregiving
1-301-718-8444
The National Alliance on Mental Illness:. https://www.nami.org/your-journey/family-members-and-caregivers/
National Child Traumatic Stress Network: https://www.nctsn.org/
National Family Caregivers Association:
1-800-896-3650
Meet the author
Paulette is a National Board-Certified Health Coach, a Mental Health First Aid Instructor and has been providing stress management coaching sessions for over 15 years. She has lived with high anxiety since the age of 10, has degrees in Psychology and Communication as well as over 20 years active involvement with reducing stress and anxiety using movement, mindfulness and breath for stress reduction and mind/body/soul centering. Her background in a high-stress human resources career prompted her to create a stress management “toolbox” to help all areas of corporate with their stress management needs.
Paulette is also a single mom to an ASD-1 high functioning Asperger’s son, supported her mom during her end-of-life transition and thus created coping strategies for the diversity of caregivers. She leads the Grief and Loss Support group at TIAA as well as participates in the Personify Health Caregiver group, Percy Cares.